At Imagination's Whim
by Sweet Honey-sempai
Summary: One of the many prologues to Second Death. A hot night, an illness, a nightmare, a confession, a leap of faith, and an indiscretion. What led Hisoka to move in with Tsuzuki?
1. Nightmares

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yami no Matsuei

**Side Note:** Well, here it is, the prologue to "Second Death". Oddly enough, this isn't what the original prologue was supposed to be. However, the first version has no actual beginning, and really doesn't make sense. Also, I've kept that one private for so long that it's almost like betraying my own secret to post it. Plus, I wrote that…must've been two years ago, as I started "Second Death" in January 2006. This is a brand new idea I've been chewing on for about a month or so. Not enough time to make it "my little secret", so I'm willing to share with all of you (though this one does share some dialogue/elements of the first).

Also, this story does not lead off "Dreams". That's an entirely separate endeavor. One could say that it's a companion to "Three AM", though (do you remember that, old fans? My first YnM story ever. I'm still immensely proud of that little drabble. Even if there IS one annoying typo I need to fix).

Righty. So this will be three chapters long.

**Story Information #1:** 39 degrees Celsius is equivalent to 102.2 degrees Fahrenheit, and 37.8 C is equal to 100 F. 37 C is equal to 98.6 F, ergo the perfect temperature. A body temperature of over 40 C (104 F) is life-threatening. Okinawa usually enjoys between 20—29 C (68—84.2 F) weather. The year-round average temperature in Hisoka's native Kanagawa Prefecture is 15.8 C (60.4 F). The average temperature in Tokyo (I'm assuming Hisoka and Tsuzuki live in Parallel-Tokyo, given their proximity to the Ministry) in June is 20.8 C (69.4 F), so Hisoka would already be struggling to withstand the heat. So let's say that when T/H/S/Y visited Okinawa, it was 24.5 C (76.1 F). A couple equations later…let's say that in this story it's 25.2 C (77.3 F). Where I live that's considered a perfect day, but I suppose Japan is naturally colder.

**Story Information #2:** Yes, I _am_ teaching you what to do if someone suffers from heat exhaustion. Except the most important thing, which is to immediately call the local emergency number.

* * *

Nightmares

* * *

It was hot.

Tsuzuki sat up, panting, leaning his head against the wall as he half-wildly, completely gracelessly kicked the bed sheets off of himself. The humidity was doing its best to win the title of "unbearable". Even Touda's fire wasn't this intolerably humid. That fire was dry, the kind of heat that made you feel completely suspended in space, with nothing at all surrounding you, as—

He screwed his eyes up and shook his head, trying to toss out the nightmare that had awoken him. It had only been half a year since Kyoto and reliving that period of temporary insanity—temporary, yeah—wasn't exactly conducive to recovery. Especially when he not only had his own mental health to worry about, but that of his partner-turned-boyfriend. Especially when the romance aspect of their relationship started on such a shaky premise as shy mutual attraction and a promise to have lives outside of obsessing over a serial murderer.

He wiped the sweat off his forehead and relaxed against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. Not that the past six or so months had been teeth-gnashing awful, but progress was slow, almost ridiculously so. It had taken two weeks to get Hisoka to hold hands with him in public, and another three to get him to do it in private. And the uphill battle of finally being able to kiss without Hisoka trying to bite him…well, no one could say that Tsuzuki, for all his laziness elsewhere, hadn't earned it. Doing romantic things on purpose wasn't Hisoka's strong suit. Not surprising, as Saya and Yuma had, obviously unaware of the repercussions, informed Hisoka that romance led to sex. And in Hisoka's mind, sex was violence spelled differently, as Tsuzuki often noted bitterly when after what felt like a paradisiacal half hour of sitting together with Hisoka halfway in his lap, Hisoka would suddenly start shaking and then get up and leave, not even bothering to make an excuse.

Doing romantic things by instinct was a different story. Tsuzuki did appreciate the fact that Hisoka intuitively trusted him enough to know he could appear in the middle of what Tsuzuki called "the ungodly hours" after a nightmare and fall asleep kneeling on the floor with his head against the mattress. But he also wondered if Hisoka knew and trusted, or simply wasn't aware, that Tsuzuki would get on the floor as well and cuddle up to him. Saya and Yuma were entirely correct; in contrast to the hard personality Hisoka had shown at first and still reverted to from time to time, his hair and skin were as soft as a freshly groomed Persian cat's, ideal for snuggling next to.

Tsuzuki wiped more sweat off his forehead and tried to lean his neck against the coolness of his wall. Half-blindly he groped for the portable electric fan he had placed on his windowsill. Finally, a knife cutting through the thick mass of heat. It was enough to make one pass out…

'Oh, _shit_.'

Tsuzuki scrambled out of bed, nearly falling to the floor as he did. If he himself, who registered temperature normally, felt this weak, then Hisoka, who had actually fainted in Okinawa on what Chizuru had considered a normal day…

He tripped toward the dresser and hastily threw a shirt on over the pair of shorts he had already been wearing. A knot of horrible anticipation was forming in his stomach as he teleported from his bedroom to Hisoka's.

The smell he caught a whiff of made Tsuzuki turn around immediately, covering his mouth and nose to block out what he could. The stench of vomit and sweat combined with the wet air and stifling heat was almost as unendurable as the heat.

A phlegm-filled cough and a choked inhalation drew Tsuzuki's eyes back. A pool of sweat in the vague shape of Hisoka's body surrounded the blond. A misshapen mass of puke trailed down the pillow from beside Hisoka's mouth.

And worst of all, Tsuzuki saw as he bit down on his lip to keep it from shaking, intricate markings as red as blood covered Hisoka's bare torso and back.

"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki went forward, trying not to breathe in. "Hisoka, it's me. It's Tsuzuki. Can you hear me?"

A shuddery exhale and distracted blink was his reply.

"Hisoka, try to talk to me," Tsuzuki said, trying to steady his voice. "What happened?"

"H-…_heat_," Hisoka forced out of his throat, squinting his eyes shut. "Air…broke. N-nightmare."

Tsuzuki slipped his hand under Hisoka's sweat-soaked bangs. Hotter than the air around them.

"Hisoka? I have no idea where anything of yours that might help is, so I'm going to take you back home with me, okay?"

Hisoka opened his mouth, to protest or acquiesce Tsuzuki never knew, as any reply was replaced by a harsh cough accompanied by vomit-tinged spit. Unhesitant, Tsuzuki wiped it away with his finger and then the pillowcase.

Hisoka flinched as Tsuzuki's arms slipped under him and subconsciously he began to curl up in a defensive porcupine-like stance. Tsuzuki hastily picked Hisoka up before he could fully coil and teleported away from the bedroom.

Upon touching down in his bathroom Tsuzuki heard Hisoka gag. He instantly dropped to his knees and held Hisoka's head over the toilet bowl as he emptied out another round of his stomach.

"Can you support yourself?" Tsuzuki asked gently, letting Hisoka kneel as well, and Hisoka nodded torturously, gasping for air. He retched again, though this time, only thick saliva was the end result. "Okay, just…stay right there. Keep throwing up if you need to."

Tsuzuki turned towards the bathtub and turned on the cold water, with some difficulty due to his shaking hands. With even more trouble he managed to loosen the hot water knob. He had seen the effects of freezing water on heat exhaustion before—Wakaba had once been the victim, and after spending a handful of minutes in ice-cold water her skin had begun turning blue.

He heard a soft sound and turned around to see that Hisoka had slipped down the side of the toilet, resting his head against the ceramic, eyes closed. His skinny torso rose and fell, painfully visible, with every breath.

"Are you…finished?" Tsuzuki asked, as delicately as possible.

"I…I think so," Hisoka answered quietly.

Tsuzuki stood and opened the cabinet above his sink, extracting a thermometer. He knelt again, offering the glass-encased mercury towards Hisoka's face.

Hisoka made a noise of refusal and turned his head away.

"Hisoka, you're running a fever. I need to see how bad it is."

"No."

"Hisoka, don't be stubborn!" Tsuzuki yelled, frustration almost giving way to hostility. "I have to see how sick you are!"

"I don't want anything in my mouth!" Hisoka shot back, managing forcefulness through his weakness.

Any anger within Tsuzuki quickly drained as Hisoka turned his head away, eyes squinted shut, curse marks still bright red against his damp, ashen skin.

"Hisoka, I…" Tsuzuki hesitated, and then cupped his hand under Hisoka's chin, fingers controlling Hisoka's jaw. As he turned Hisoka's face back a small, wild sob escaped from the shaking blond. Hisoka bit his lip; too late to stop tears from lining the rims of his eyes.

"Hisoka, it's okay," Tsuzuki said softly, wiping the tears away only for them to be replaced. "It's fine. It's just me and it's only a…only a thermometer, not…please, Hisoka. You're sick. I need to know how bad."

Hisoka shook his head. "Nothing…nothing in my mouth or…"

"Hisoka." Still grasping the small glass tube between his fingers, Tsuzuki placed both hands against the sides of Hisoka's face. "Hisoka, I need to take care of you. Please, _please_ let me."

Hisoka shivered as his terrified eyes locked with Tsuzuki's earnest ones. He swallowed, his mouth slightly opening involuntarily.

"Hisoka?"

He inhaled shakily and then opened his mouth wider.

"Good," Tsuzuki said in a sigh of relief, sliding the thermometer under Hisoka's tongue. "Don't move it, okay?" he added as Hisoka's mouth shut slowly, reluctantly. He quickly kissed the top of Hisoka's head and turned around to shut off the faucet. His hand dipped into the water. It was a decent temperature; somewhat cold to him but probably perfect for Hisoka. He turned back to flush the toilet, mentally hoping that he wouldn't have to take the plunger to it later.

"How long?" Hisoka asked, trying not to move his mouth.

"About two and a half more minutes," Tsuzuki answered apologetically. "It sucks waiting, I know."

"Mm," Hisoka answered noncommittally, lowering his eyes. Tsuzuki finally managed to sit instead of kneel next to his boyfriend, avoiding all contact that could add his own body heat to Hisoka's except for placing his hand on Hisoka's shoulder.

"Okay, let me see it," Tsuzuki said after what seemed like an eternity of waiting, and pulled the thermometer out of the visibly grateful Hisoka's mouth. "Thirty-nine degrees," he read. Not as bad as he had feared. "I _probably_ will be able to take care of this by myself. But if it gets any higher I'll have to take you to Watari."

"Hm," was the short reply from Hisoka's throat.

"Now, we've gotta get you cooled down," Tsuzuki continued, pressing the back of his hand against Hisoka's neck, who shivered at what felt like ice on his hot skin. "Come on, I'll help you." Tsuzuki stood and offered his hand. Hisoka reached to accept, but as realization hit both of them he hastily retracted his hand as well as drew his legs up against his chest.

"Hisoka…"

"_No_."

"Hisoka, if you get much hotter, you're going to have a stroke!" Tsuzuki said, a hint of panic entering his voice.

Hisoka shook his head and buried his face in his knees.

"Hisoka, _please_."

"No!" Hisoka shouted, looking up for a split second before hiding his face again and covering his head.

Tsuzuki started and then faltered. He sucked in his lip and bit down on it, hard, trying to muster up enough nerve to do what he was increasingly aware he had to.

"Hisoka, please don't hate me for this."

His hand descended quickly and took hold of Hisoka's wrist, and he pulled the smaller Shinigami to his feet before he could think and therefore lose his courage. The rush of blood momentarily put Hisoka's center of balance off-kilter, long enough for Tsuzuki to trap him against himself with one arm while the other descended to pull off the only clothes Hisoka had on.

"Let go of me," Hisoka breathed.

"I _can't_."

"Let me go!"

Tsuzuki winced and paled as he felt teeth sink into his arm and Hisoka's small, trembling body try to push away. He redoubled his grip as Hisoka's clothes hit the floor and his free arm slipped around the small of Hisoka's back. With a nervous jerk he half-pulled, half-dragged Hisoka a foot across the floor and into the water.

The instant he let go of Hisoka a splash of water assaulted his eyes and he felt damp skin brush against him. Half-blinded, Tsuzuki managed to catch Hisoka by the shoulders and pin him back against the side of the bathtub.

"Hisoka, stop, _please_, you're going to have a seizure!" Tsuzuki yelped, blinking water out of his eyes and not realizing he'd added his own water, as Hisoka struggled to free himself. "Hisoka, come on, wake up, he's…he's not here, and you're just…Hisoka, please, calm down!"

Hisoka's back arched and fell and his head snapped to the side. His eyes opened, terrified and confused. Thin wet paths trailed down his face as he gasped, trying to get air flowing normally through is lungs.

"I'm sorry," Tsuzuki said in a rush. "I'm sorry that it's a thousand degrees out and you're sick and you can barely shut your eyes without getting those nightmares and I just…I just…" He raked his fingers down his face. "I'm sorry I scared you."

A breath quickly turned into choke and Hisoka leaned over the edge of the tub, gagging. Without thinking Tsuzuki put one hand on his back and another on his collar, supporting him.

"False alarm," Hisoka said weakly after a few moments of silence, and straightened up only to lean back against the bathtub.

"I…I'm…water. Let me get you some water."

Tsuzuki stood up hastily, almost clumsily, and tripped out the door, shutting the door behind him. His nerves were beginning to fail him.

"Water. I'm getting water," he reminded himself, shakily walking towards his kitchen.

The glass was lucky not to shatter in Tsuzuki's hand when he finally returned to the bathroom after managing to spill water all over the kitchen counter as he poured it. Hisoka was curled up in a tight ball, face hidden in his knees, seemingly unaware of Tsuzuki's return even as he knelt down beside the bathtub.

With growing trepidation Tsuzuki reached out and tapped Hisoka's shoulder. Hisoka gave an audible shudder and his head snapped up, surprised and fearful.

"Water," Tsuzuki said, hard put to articulate anything else, offering the glass. "Drink it. You need to cool down."

Hisoka regarded the glass suspiciously, before snatching it away from Tsuzuki. The glass almost slipped from his hand and Tsuzuki grabbed it out of mid-air just as Hisoka did. Hisoka flinched at the touch and his fingers went rigid, refusing to either claim or relinquish the glass as his own. After a few moments of absolute silence Tsuzuki guided the glass to Hisoka's lips and tilted it up, effectively forcing water into Hisoka's mouth. Hisoka managed to swallow and exhale shakily.

"You should…you need to lie down," Tsuzuki said cautiously. "_In_ the water. It'll cool you down faster."

Hisoka stared at him, and Tsuzuki was taken aback at the almost angry look on Hisoka's face. Hisoka's eyes moved and focused on something else. What that something else was, Tsuzuki figured out when Hisoka viciously yanked one of the shower's sliding doors shut.

"Hisoka?" No answer. "I'll…I'll get you some more water."

* * *

It became methodical: Tsuzuki would fetch a glass of water, pull back the sliding door, almost force-feed it to Hisoka, and then repeat the process after Hisoka had shut the door again. It was nigh unto two hours since the start of this process when Hisoka finally interrupted it.

"I'm cold."

Tsuzuki was halfway into putting the glass of water in Hisoka's hand. His free hand took one of Hisoka's and wrapped it around the cup, and with his newly liberated hand he felt Hisoka's forehead. It was cooler than before, though still not normal.

"You think you can stand up?" Tsuzuki asked.

"Yes," Hisoka said laconically. Tsuzuki stood and turned to grab a towel hanging from a metal rod on his wall, and heard the rippling of water and the sliding of the door. He turned back to find himself once again shut away from his partner.

"Hisoka? Here." Tsuzuki opened the door a few inches and offered the towel within. Hisoka took it from him, and Tsuzuki waited a few seconds before pulling the door open all the way. Hisoka stood silently, the navy blue of the towel making his already white skin more pallid than usual.

Tsuzuki offered his hand. Hisoka stared at the proffered appendage for a few moments before hesitantly taking it.

As he stepped out of the bathtub he slipped, falling forward into Tsuzuki's chest. He floundered, trying to stand up, but before he could steady himself he was swept up off both feet, which now hung in the air as Tsuzuki cradled him more securely. Sooner than he could think to struggle Tsuzuki had trapped his arms and legs once again.

Heat and humidity assaulted him for another time as Tsuzuki bore him out of the bathroom, but welcome relief came in the form of the electric fan as they entered the bedroom. Tsuzuki put his small burden down on his bed and held him there.

"Tsuzuki!"

"I want to see what your temperature is, again," Tsuzuki said, looking directly into Hisoka's eyes. "So just lie down and wait for me to come back, okay?" he added, praying Hisoka was not yet well enough to teleport away.

He walked quicker than he normally did to the bathroom, snatched the thermometer from where he had left it, and returned in time to see Hisoka hurry up in pulling the light cotton sheets over his shoulders and adjust the towel he still kept around him.

"Here," Tsuzuki said, once more kneeling and offering the small cylinder. Hisoka hesitated, and then took the thermometer into his mouth and shifted it to its proper place. Tsuzuki got up to shut his door, before sitting on the floor where Hisoka usually would whenever a nightmare sent him to Tsuzuki.

"Thirty-seven point eight," Tsuzuki announced after three minutes of waiting. "That's good. That's _excellent_. You're going to get better really quickly now."

No answer.

"Jeez, you need sleep," Tsuzuki said, looking into Hisoka's near-bloodshot eyes.

"But—!"

"Shh," Tsuzuki said, relief allowing him to be comforting. His hand brushed Hisoka's face, and gently but forcibly shut his eyelids. "If you…if you have a nightmare…I'll be right here," he said, resolve in his voice. "I'll stay right here and make sure to wake you up if you have a nightmare again, okay?"

Hisoka pulled deeper into the bed sheets, tightening the cloth around his body. He tucked his head as far into his collarbone as he could, and kept his eyes shut.

Tsuzuki felt Hisoka twitch once as he once again felt Hisoka's forehead. He wasn't sure if Hisoka had managed to fall asleep or was simply faking it when he tiredly let his own hand fall away, fingers tracing down Hisoka's cheek.


	2. Illusions

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yami no Matsuei

**Shout-outs**: Wow, five reviews in less than 24 hours! (Snuggles fans)

crsq: "Vague horror"…I like that. Good wording, and hey, newbie! (Snuggles) I don't think you've read any of my other stuff.

AnimeAngelRin: Can you believe I wrote "3 AM" back in December _2005_? A year and a half ago! Oh, and I thought of you when I wrote "the ungodly hours". It struck as something Tsuzuki would say.

Kaouri18: Dude, _I_ want Tsuzuki as my boyfriend. I'd write AU Tsuzuki/OFC if a) that wasn't a cliché in itself, b) I had an idea for it, c) Tsuzuki/Hisoka wasn't perfection, and d) I can only read fics with Tsuzuki not paired with Hisoka when he's in an angsty break-up fic with Tatsumi.

Hisoka-Kurosaki-138: (Blushes, kicks ground) Aww shucks. (Hugs) Chapter 11 is up for FP, by the way.

laustic: Thank you. I liked that you commented on Hisoka being stubborn. Seeing as Hisoka ripped Tsuzuki's hand open when Tsuzuki scared him in episode 2, I think he'd be even more obstinate when he's frightened. (And speaking of that, _nothing_ can convince me that Hisoka didn't think Tsuzuki was going to rape him. He might not have had his full memory back, but he _was_ thinking of Muraki, and for Heaven's sake, Tsuzuki had him _pinned against the wall_, _and_ had called him "Bouya", which Muraki calls him and I can only imagine called him while he was raping him.)

ShinigamixGirl: Thank you much. "Second Death" is short of "Til Second Death Do Us Part" my first full-length YnM story. This is one of the prologues to it.

Catgrl106: Nope, not a one-shot!

**Side Note #1:** 37.2 C is equal to 99 F.

**Side Note #2:** Don't worry if you don't "get" this chapter (if I didn't know where I was going with it, I wouldn't get it either). It'll all be cleared up next chapter.

**Unrelated Rambling: **My LJ address ishttp:// luna-glass-wall. livejournal. com. Visit and comment (it's open to everyone). Thank you.

Sorry. But I have approximately…um, two people who visit my LJ with semi-regularity. It gets rather lonely.

* * *

Illusions

* * *

_Winter's end promises of a long lost friend  
Speaks to me of comfort  
But I fear  
I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place.  
Tangled up in our embrace  
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall_

_But I fear_

- "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan

* * *

Tsuzuki woke up to see Hisoka biting on his own index finger. It was obvious Hisoka was still asleep. Tsuzuki tried to slip his finger inside the small space between Hisoka's hand and his cheek and pull the captive finger loose without waking Hisoka, but to no avail. As he tugged, Hisoka's teeth pressed down harder on his skin. Tsuzuki gave up before Hisoka could draw blood, and instead placed his hand on Hisoka's forehead.

Warm, but nowhere near as hot as it had been last night.

With a relieved smile Tsuzuki stood, letting his hand brush Hisoka's hair affectionately as he did.

"I'd better call in for you," he informed his sleeping partner, though he lingered for a few seconds before finally leaving for the kitchen and getting the telephone. He punched in the number for the Ministry building, praying that anyone would pick up besides Tatsumi.

"Hello?"

'Damn it,' Tsuzuki thought. "Hey, Tatsumi. It's Tsuzuki."

"Tsuzuki, do you mind informing me as to _where _the_ hell_ you and Kurosaki are?"

Tsuzuki's eyes fell upon the digital clock on his stove. The green numbers revealed the time as ten minutes to noon.

"Aw, shit," Tsuzuki said, grimacing. "Look, I'm really sorry, Tatsumi. You know how hot it was last night?"

"Yes," Tatsumi answered, in his perfected "this-better-be-_damn_-good" tone.

"Well, it woke me up at like, two, and I remembered how Hisoka _doesn't_ tolerate the heat well. So I went over to his house to check on him. And it was a good thing I did, because I think he was suffering from heat exhaustion."

"How bad?" Tatsumi asked, annoyance changing to concern.

"Awful. He threw up at least twice, and he got up to thirty-nine degrees. We were up until four trying to get his temperature down."

"How is he now?"

"A lot better, but I don't want him to go in and overwork himself back into being sick, which we both _know_ he'll do. He's actually still asleep right now. I was calling in just for him, but given the time and the fact that he's still not fully healthy yet, I guess I…" Tsuzuki was beginning to feel the heat coming out of Tatsumi's eyes "…shouldn't come in…either…?"

"You are _extremely_ fortunate that your sector doesn't have any summons today," Tatsumi said stiffly, though Tsuzuki could sense a well-hidden half-heartedness in Tatsumi's voice. "I expect you in bright and early tomorrow morning, is that clear?"

"Yes," Tsuzuki said nervously.

"Take care of Kurosaki."

"I will."

"Then I shall see you both tomorrow," Tatsumi said.

"Yeah." 'Hopefully,' Tsuzuki added in his mind. "See you then."

"Good-bye."

Tsuzuki hung up, grateful to still be in possession of his hearing. Calling out usually rendered Tatsumi's speaking voice akin to what they figured had to be close to a dinosaur's roar.

An irritated noise from his stomach reminded him that he hadn't eaten for around fourteen hours, an event that Watari jokingly said only occurred once every four hundred years. A sandwich was quickly slapped together—Tsuzuki could at least handle creating _that_—and he was back in his bedroom, munching as quietly as he could so as to not wake Hisoka.

They had been lucky—Hisoka had not been plagued by another nightmare. Tsuzuki had expected it, given how terrified Hisoka had been that morning.

Tsuzuki's stomach knotted and he put down his sandwich at the thought of Hisoka ten hours earlier. It made him sick to think of the panic in Hisoka's eyes and voice and body language. How much worse had it been under some cherry tree, a dead woman's body laying within arm's length, and Muraki—

Tsuzuki shook his head and shook the image out of his mind. If he completed that thought he might just puke up his own guts, as well. Besides, he might project his thoughts into Hisoka via Empathy, and the last thing he wanted to do was interrupt a peaceful sleep.

And despite the finger-biting, Hisoka _did_ look peaceful. A little spark of happiness ignited in Tsuzuki's heart, that despite what had happened a few hours ago Hisoka could sleep in his bed and not wake up covered in curse marks and shaking. Tsuzuki wanted to keep him there, forever or as long as possible, just to let him sleep like that.

"But that wouldn't happen," Tsuzuki murmured to himself. It was always like this. He would finally have Hisoka right where he wanted him—relaxed, unafraid—and something, anything would ruin it. Today would be no different. Hisoka would wake up and go home and possibly not talk to Tsuzuki for a few days, and they would not discuss or even acknowledge this, ever.

'So I better enjoy this,' Tsuzuki followed up in his head, resigning himself to contentment with watching his boyfriend sleep.

* * *

It was four in the afternoon when Tsuzuki finally left his bedroom to take a shower. When he returned, tying off his yukata (why bother changing into normal clothes, he thought), Hisoka was sitting in the part of the bed pressed up against the corner of the wall, towel and bed sheets still tightly wrapped around him.

"Oh, hey," Tsuzuki said, surprised; Hisoka had been asleep just ten minutes earlier. "Are you feeling better?"

Hisoka nodded and tilted his head back against the wall, not even twitching as Tsuzuki knelt on the bed and felt his forehead.

"I'm gonna take your temperature again, just to make sure, okay?"

Again Hisoka nodded soundlessly, and accepted the thermometer with no fuss, simply adjusting his layers of non-clothing.

"Thirty-seven point two," Tsuzuki announced as he took the thermometer back. He smiled weakly. "That pretty much means all you need is to rest, and you'll be fine by tomorrow."

"Okay," Hisoka barely managed to say. Tsuzuki placed the glass tube on the windowsill and sat on the bed.

"You all right?" Tsuzuki asked, knowing what the answer was. "Look, I…I'm really sorry about this morning."

"Don't be."

"No, I am," Tsuzuki protested. "I mean, I'm not sorry that I did what I could to make you well, but I'm sorry I had to…scare you so bad in the process."

"That's not your fault," Hisoka said firmly, softly. "It's not like _you_ made it twenty-five degrees last night or gave me a nightmare or induced vomiting. And…_I'm_ sorry I gave you such a hard time."

"Oh, it wasn't that bad," Tsuzuki said reassuringly, with a nervous laugh. "I've struggled with a lot worse."

The laugh died slowly as Tsuzuki searched Hisoka's face for any reaction, which he did not receive. "Hey." He touched Hisoka's shoulder, again, with no feedback, verbal or otherwise. "Don't beat yourself up about it. You were scared. I understand."

A few moment's silence. Tsuzuki bit his lip.

"Hisoka?"

"Yeah?" Hisoka replied, garbled.

"I'm…I'm worried about something."

"What?" Hisoka asked, more clearly than before, looking up.

"About…about us," Tsuzuki stammered, struggling for words. "I mean, I know this morning was a special circumstance, but it's just gotten me thinking. It just seems like that…when you and I are…together, alone, you…you just aren't _relaxed_ around me. I mean, I completely understand why," Tsuzuki said quickly, seeing Hisoka move to protest. "I won't lie to you, Hisoka, I want to…to _be with_ you, but you only know…you only know _that_. And I…I just don't know if I can take that away from you. I love you; I don't want to give us—this relationship—up, but I…"

Tsuzuki stopped at the look on Hisoka's face. A glistening film of water had appeared over Hisoka's eyes.

"Hisoka?"

"Oh," Hisoka said, sounding surprised, bringing his hands up to his face. He blinked, forcing a tear out of his eye. "Oh, I…I'm ruining it."

"What?"

"I'm being a jackass and I'm ruining the only good thing that's ever happened to me," Hisoka said, eyes wide and focusing somewhere else, if they were focused on any tangible thing at all. "I'm letting that…_that_ decide if I have a relationship or not."

"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki repeated, waving his hand in front of Hisoka's blank face. Hisoka snatched up Tsuzuki's hand and transferred his gaze to looking at what he had just captured.

"I said I would exceed him," Hisoka muttered to himself, before looking up into Tsuzuki's eyes. "I promised myself I wouldn't let him take you away from me. But I'm...letting him…"

Before Tsuzuki could say anything, Hisoka's hands had placed themselves on his face.

"You listen to me," Hisoka said, suddenly fierce, eyes narrow. "Don't you ever, _ever_ say that or think that again. I know you…I know what that'll do to you, and I am _not_ losing you because of _me_ acting like an asshole."

"Hisoka…"

"I'm sorry, okay?" Hisoka said, his voice cracking. "I'm sorry I'm being such a damn coward. That is _not_ your fault, and I will _not_ let you think that it is. For shit's sake, Tsuzuki, _I love you_."

"I love you, too," Tsuzuki said, covering Hisoka's hands with his own and lowering them. "That's why I…I can't keep this up if you're scared of me, Hisoka. I can't do that to you."

"Damn it!" Hisoka hissed, and in the instant it took Tsuzuki to blink Hisoka had pulled him into a hard, pleading, desperate kiss, wrapping his arms around Tsuzuki's neck in a tight, near unbreakable hold, as Tsuzuki would have discovered if he had attempted to pull away.

"Damn it…damn it," Hisoka muttered, turning his head and biting his lip. "I can…I can go through with this. Tsuzuki, I can…"

Tsuzuki turned his head and slowly, softly kissed Hisoka's cheek. He moved up slightly and his lips traced Hisoka's ear as his now free hand brushed Hisoka's hair back.

"Tsuzuki."

Hisoka's voice was neutral and expressionless, as were his eyes when Tsuzuki looked into them.

"Hisoka?"

Hisoka allowed himself a deep breath in and out, hesitated, and then leaned into another kiss. After a few seconds of not breaking contact, Hisoka slid, involuntarily and purposely, sideways down the wall, taking Tsuzuki with him. They hit the mattress; Hisoka straightened out his spine, pushing them away from the wall. Tsuzuki's arm wrapped itself around the small of Hisoka's back and pulled him closer. His free hand slipped between the pillow and Hisoka's face, palm cupping his cheek and fingers buried in his hair. Hisoka's arms tightened around Tsuzuki's neck and he turned his head once again with a gasp, letting Tsuzuki's fingertips trace his ear.

"Hisoka?"

"Keep going."

"But—"

"Keep _going_!" Hisoka yelped, a touch of the frantic in his voice. "Please…!"

Tsuzuki hand moved up Hisoka's side until it reached Hisoka's cheek. He turned Hisoka's head, now sandwiched between his two hands, to look into his eyes.

"You sure?"

Hisoka nodded shakily, and then with an awkward jerk was kissing his partner again. Tsuzuki felt a hard twitch and found himself on top of Hisoka, inadvertently deepening the kiss. Feeling almost like he was being compelled to do so, Tsuzuki dug his fingers into Hisoka's hair, massaging his scalp as if it would help him relax.

Hisoka slightly loosened his hold around Tsuzuki's neck, letting Tsuzuki push up and get his balance. One of Tsuzuki's hands moved to cover the side of Hisoka's neck and lower jaw. The other slid down Hisoka's neck and arm, coming to rest at last on his leg. Hisoka sucked in a rough breath, eyes screwed up. The offending hand moved up to Hisoka's waist. Tsuzuki whispered, and Hisoka mumbled, an apology simultaneously.

Tsuzuki's other hand spread its fingers and pushed Hisoka's chin up and over, exposing the side of his neck. Tsuzuki relaxed his body against Hisoka's and he buried his face half in the crook of Hisoka's shoulder, turning his head to kiss Hisoka's neck, over his pulse. With each passing second Tsuzuki felt the beat steadily gaining speed.

"Are you okay?" Tsuzuki asked quietly.

"I'm fine," Hisoka barked, shifting rigidly.

"That's not very convincing."

"I don't care," Hisoka asserted harshly, faltering on the last word. "Just keep going."

Tsuzuki had been Hisoka's partner long enough to recognize a command, even one spoken like that. He bit his lip and pushed himself up to look into Hisoka's face. It had blanched even further than its normal shade of white. His eyes were closed, denying his face any additional color. Hisoka's arms trembled lightly against Tsuzuki's neck, and he tensed his hold to banish the shaking.

Tsuzuki shifted and gently kissed Hisoka's damp forehead, trying to pour as much warmth into Hisoka as he could. He traveled downward to Hisoka's cheekbone; he felt Hisoka's bottom eyelid twitch. His stomach began to feel heavy but he pushed on, kissing Hisoka's barely responsive mouth and then trailing down his neck to his collarbone. His left hand traveled down Hisoka's side before splaying on Hisoka's bony hip; his other hand took the symmetrical path back down to Hisoka's thigh. Feeling his nerves threaten to abandon him, Tsuzuki pressed his lips against Hisoka's, now trapping his partner's body completely.

Hisoka gasped roughly when Tsuzuki released his mouth. Gathering up scattered vestiges of courage, Tsuzuki moved both his hands to Hisoka's knees and then slid them up, moving them to Hisoka's inner thighs and pushing Hisoka's legs away from each other as he did so.

Hisoka's body tensed. His stomach collapsed as he exhaled harshly. His eyes opened, now glassy, disoriented, far away.

"Hey," Tsuzuki said quietly, hoarsely, trying to keep the shake out of his voice.

Hisoka's head leaned back into the base of his neck. His eyes closed again roughly.

"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki questioned, feeling a harsh, fluttering sensation begin to take over his insides.

Hisoka gulped for air, failing for the first few seconds and making the delayed success audibly harsh and difficult.

"_Shit_," Tsuzuki spat, trying to move and failing as Hisoka's arms locked around his neck.

Hisoka released a sound halfway between a gasp and a cry. His hands flailed and he clawed wildly at Tsuzuki's back. Tsuzuki reared up forcefully, breaking Hisoka's hold, and seized Hisoka's wrists, forcing them down and trapping them against the mattress.

Hisoka shrieked, an awful noise that turned Tsuzuki's stomach. Tsuzuki pushed back and released Hisoka's wrists simultaneously; Hisoka turned over onto his side and leaned over the bed, coughing and hyperventilating, his whole body shuddering as he tried to even out his breathing.

Tentatively, Tsuzuki reached out a hand and tapped Hisoka's leg. Hisoka whipped around, breathing heavily, red-faced, tears stinging at his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Hisoka said before Tsuzuki could. "I'm so sorry…"


End file.
